Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
