just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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