I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
