shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I wish you could order shots online.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
