went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
