So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
