Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
