I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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