gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
