Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
