i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
