If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
