Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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