Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Randomize
