you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She even gives head with a lisp.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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