He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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