I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize