I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
