I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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