quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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