Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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