I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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