My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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