I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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