two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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