i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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