from now on my penis is your penis
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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