I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize