We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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