none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
