I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
