booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
