Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
