i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
