You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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