We won't sleep together?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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