lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
