I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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