i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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