Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
