He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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