Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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