Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
