your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
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