I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
