So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
