I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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