You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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