It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
