just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
