I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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