I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
