I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
