How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
