i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
