woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
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