My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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