im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He did a backflip because drugs
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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